Posh Charades and the Quest for Affection
I shaved my head. Luckily I'm not one of those young men whom John Cusack mentions in the film, High Fidelity, "I felt like a fraud, like one of those kids who suddenly shaves their heads and says they've always been punks". I've thankfully never claimed to be a punk. A slacker, an athlete, and a geek, yes, but never a punk.
No, I've shaved my head for a more "noble" purpose. You see, my grandmother suffered breast cancer last year and underwent the chemotherapy necessary for her recovery. My family was emotionally affected by her suffering, and we stood by her all the way through. Thankfully she pulled through and is still with us today. The sacrifice of all 8 or so inches of my hair was nothing in comparison to what she went through, and so losing my hair was really nothing on my part.
Being hairless is fun, not necessarily the style of the year, but fun. Its already growing back, and I'm glad for it. On another plus side, I donated the hair, through the nearby salon, as a wig for kids with cancer. I can just picture some happy little girl bouncing around with my long boy-curls.
What I wanted to bring up was the issue that I heard whisper. Apparently some people have assumed that me shaving my head was just to get attention. For one thing, I don't exactly care what those people might think. I've raised 300 dollars, I know I've done good. Point being it got me to thinking about "standing out". Shaving my head couldn't be further from standing out. I don't think I'm ugly by any means. I used to receive compliments galore about my long brown curly hair. Being bald this time around showed me that even though I stand out in a crowd...I'm still not noticed. Girls used to make eyes with me in the mall. They'd make an effort to peer through the shade of my long dark tendrils of hair. Now that my eyes can't hide behind anything, there's no challenge. I couldn't feel more "regular" if I was a flavorless potato chip.
For that reason I'm not maintaining the baldness. I'm not too high and mighty to stick to my guns. I grow fantastic hair, and I like sticking out that way. If I gotta be different from the crowd, I most certainly wouldn't do it by keeping a part of me away from me.
It would seem that what I previously thought would be a quest towards a happy ending turned out to be nothing more than a fork in the road. This fork branched off in at least four directions. One was blonde and not single, one was a bit too young, and two whom I've had feelings for in the past, and those of which have been resurfacing. Options one and two have been pushed aside. I can't wait around for the one and the other should be at a better maturity level if not a better age. So now I'm left with the two whom I've liked in the past.
It's a terrible thing to be torn between two women. It's wrong. "The Right One" should be the one who steals all of my attention, all of my affection. Life, as it turns out, hasn't been so simple for me. Is it so wrong to consider the options? Why spend all my time pursuing one that may result in terrible heartbreak. I've put my feelings on the line too many times in the past. It's about time that I get swept off my feet. It's foolhardy and reckless to sit back and wait for the right one to shine through, but I think I've earned the break by now.
What good is it being a fool when I don't get to act foolishly?
I've got a lot of love to give, therefore I can be choosy of who I give it to.
Besides....by the time one reads my next entry, who will really remember all of this anyways? I might not, even.
During my most recent meditations I came across the thought that I often act selfishly. What was more astonishing was the realization that selfishness hasn't really done me a lot of good. Most of my recent selfish actions were for the greater good of myself. However, it always seems to have an adverse effect and just make things worse for me. Ironic, I think, that I now selfishly complain that my selfishness has affected me badly. So, yes, it has affected others badly as well, and for that I unselfishly feel terrible. This makes me believe in karma just a bit more. Not in the way that doing good deeds makes me a hero, and that is good...no, I mean in the way that doing good things for others is unselfish, and when I do unselfish things I'm not punished by my own selfishness.
I have typed the word selfish way too many times....
What I'm trying to say is that I don't like doing things for myself. I've looked out for my friends and my family my whole life. I don't think that makes me a hero or anything, but I certainly think it makes me a decent human being. So whenever I get into a self-serving groove, I start to feel like a bad person. I'm thankful that I don't have too many friends that judge me for that. I keep a pretty good bunch of people around me, I'd say.
I swear to Buddha's Noble Truth that no matter how miserable or selfish I may get, I will always love my friends. Those buggers keep me in line and they keep me strong. Most of all, they remind me of the beauty and the good in this world. Wars, famine, disease, and strife happen all over the place. That's the kinetic way of the world right now. Love and understanding is the potential. One day we'll move in that direction. Foolish dreams, maybe...
...but what good is it being a fool when I don't get to dream foolishly?
No, I've shaved my head for a more "noble" purpose. You see, my grandmother suffered breast cancer last year and underwent the chemotherapy necessary for her recovery. My family was emotionally affected by her suffering, and we stood by her all the way through. Thankfully she pulled through and is still with us today. The sacrifice of all 8 or so inches of my hair was nothing in comparison to what she went through, and so losing my hair was really nothing on my part.
Being hairless is fun, not necessarily the style of the year, but fun. Its already growing back, and I'm glad for it. On another plus side, I donated the hair, through the nearby salon, as a wig for kids with cancer. I can just picture some happy little girl bouncing around with my long boy-curls.
What I wanted to bring up was the issue that I heard whisper. Apparently some people have assumed that me shaving my head was just to get attention. For one thing, I don't exactly care what those people might think. I've raised 300 dollars, I know I've done good. Point being it got me to thinking about "standing out". Shaving my head couldn't be further from standing out. I don't think I'm ugly by any means. I used to receive compliments galore about my long brown curly hair. Being bald this time around showed me that even though I stand out in a crowd...I'm still not noticed. Girls used to make eyes with me in the mall. They'd make an effort to peer through the shade of my long dark tendrils of hair. Now that my eyes can't hide behind anything, there's no challenge. I couldn't feel more "regular" if I was a flavorless potato chip.
For that reason I'm not maintaining the baldness. I'm not too high and mighty to stick to my guns. I grow fantastic hair, and I like sticking out that way. If I gotta be different from the crowd, I most certainly wouldn't do it by keeping a part of me away from me.
It would seem that what I previously thought would be a quest towards a happy ending turned out to be nothing more than a fork in the road. This fork branched off in at least four directions. One was blonde and not single, one was a bit too young, and two whom I've had feelings for in the past, and those of which have been resurfacing. Options one and two have been pushed aside. I can't wait around for the one and the other should be at a better maturity level if not a better age. So now I'm left with the two whom I've liked in the past.
It's a terrible thing to be torn between two women. It's wrong. "The Right One" should be the one who steals all of my attention, all of my affection. Life, as it turns out, hasn't been so simple for me. Is it so wrong to consider the options? Why spend all my time pursuing one that may result in terrible heartbreak. I've put my feelings on the line too many times in the past. It's about time that I get swept off my feet. It's foolhardy and reckless to sit back and wait for the right one to shine through, but I think I've earned the break by now.
What good is it being a fool when I don't get to act foolishly?
I've got a lot of love to give, therefore I can be choosy of who I give it to.
Besides....by the time one reads my next entry, who will really remember all of this anyways? I might not, even.
During my most recent meditations I came across the thought that I often act selfishly. What was more astonishing was the realization that selfishness hasn't really done me a lot of good. Most of my recent selfish actions were for the greater good of myself. However, it always seems to have an adverse effect and just make things worse for me. Ironic, I think, that I now selfishly complain that my selfishness has affected me badly. So, yes, it has affected others badly as well, and for that I unselfishly feel terrible. This makes me believe in karma just a bit more. Not in the way that doing good deeds makes me a hero, and that is good...no, I mean in the way that doing good things for others is unselfish, and when I do unselfish things I'm not punished by my own selfishness.
I have typed the word selfish way too many times....
What I'm trying to say is that I don't like doing things for myself. I've looked out for my friends and my family my whole life. I don't think that makes me a hero or anything, but I certainly think it makes me a decent human being. So whenever I get into a self-serving groove, I start to feel like a bad person. I'm thankful that I don't have too many friends that judge me for that. I keep a pretty good bunch of people around me, I'd say.
I swear to Buddha's Noble Truth that no matter how miserable or selfish I may get, I will always love my friends. Those buggers keep me in line and they keep me strong. Most of all, they remind me of the beauty and the good in this world. Wars, famine, disease, and strife happen all over the place. That's the kinetic way of the world right now. Love and understanding is the potential. One day we'll move in that direction. Foolish dreams, maybe...
...but what good is it being a fool when I don't get to dream foolishly?
